Pappa wants mamma naked
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
