Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
