Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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