I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
