Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
