When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
operation harelip BJ is a go
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
