Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
