And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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