Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
