I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
