did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
