oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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