You just made me feel so damn special
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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