She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
