In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
