Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
