someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
