I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
