i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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