i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
