Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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