I'm going to jail i love you
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
