Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
