Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
