I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
