What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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