chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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