not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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