How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
