I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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