No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
A+ Viking dick
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
