i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
