i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
