I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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