Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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