Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
