there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
