Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
