Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
