I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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