Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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