im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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