Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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