I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
