dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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