u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
