Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
