I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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