Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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