No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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