take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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